Thursday, June 16, 2011

What I learned about my body after playing basketball today for the third consecutive day

My big toenail - Apparently, has decided it will remain black for the rest of my remaining days

My feet - honestly, so flat i have an anti-arch. i curve outward where i should curve inward

My ankles - jesus hell, they're skinny. they were meant to support shelley duvall in the shining-type weight, not marlon brando in don juan demarco

My right knee - tends to go completely stiff at inappropriate times, much like a middle school hard-on. It will be fine while I play basketball, but then will lock up as I walk back from the break room with a cup of coffee causing major spillage and embarrassment

My gut - jesus hell, it's fat. not solid fat like my grandpa buster - that's sexy fat. think more like the homer simpson fat where people punch him in the stomach and their hand gets stuck

My lower back - is easily offended and tends to hold nasty grudges

My right elbow - has decided to protest by developing a pretty little sac of pus or other disgusting fluid that is warm to the touch and hurts like hell. Ironic, since i am so completely left-centric, i never use my right arm anyways. maybe it's a form of protest for unequal treatment

My left fuck you finger - has decided to have a perpetual hangnail that hurts like hell and makes me feel like a total pussy

My left shoulder - doesn't hurt, but makes a really strange gear-on-gear grinding noise when I move it

My neck - is fine, provided i don't attempt to look quickly either left, right or backwards

My ears - Working less and less each day, which is actually ok on the court as I can't hear people snickering at me

My brain - has refused to age with the rest of my body. Still thinks my body should be able to do different things on the basketball court that, quite frankly, it never could do. Also, would jump at the opportunity to play again tomorrow if the situation arose.

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