Each November the local Columbia Heights/Hilltop (#1 in crime per capita!) newspaper puts out a ridiculously sugary edition called the Good News Edition. The basic premise is that people are sick of always hearing about crime/unemployment/failing schools, etc. and so they aren't going to include any of that Debbie Downer stuff. Instead, we are treated to stories of lost pets being found, 3rd graders raising $173 for local foodshelfs and folks who have been married for 94 years. In honor of this - and because holy crap my posts recently make me miss Dr. Kervorkian - I present the Good News Edition of The Unemployment Chronicles:
Man Cuts Through Red Tape, Receives Unemployment Benefits - Columbia Heights, MN
Somewhat recently unemployed citizen Paul Kruse received his first unemployment benefits today, after persevering 28 website visits, four phone calls, 173 minutes of holding, three migraine headaches and two forced drinking episodes. An elated Kruse, reached at home (where else?) said, "I just want to thank all those that believed in me from the beginning and never lost faith. This just goes to show you that anyone who is committed and willing to work hard can also receive unemployment. I'm just glad I can be a role model to kids today. Dream big, kids, and never give up."
Liquor Cabinet and Wardrobe Stocked by Charitable Individuals - St. Paul, MN
Kind-hearted philanthropists took pity on the less fortunate Wednesday, donating various liquor themed clothing and libations to an individual in need. The philanthropists, who wished to remain anonymous, commented that the fortunate recipient of their charity was in the same position as them not too long ago and they were happy to lend a hand. The recipient, reached at home later, said, "I (hic) fuckin' love them guys, they're alright (hic) in my book." He then began weeping and threw up in his slippers.
Last of Classic T-shirt Finds Home with Individual who Appreciates It - Sedona, AZ
A t-shirt long thought to be extinct was discovered and immediately placed in the care of an individual who promises to cherish it forever, wearing to only special occassions which merit it's awesomeness. The Sedona My Face t-shirts were produced only from 1976-1979 and were thought to have all perished during the violent PC Revolution of the 1990s. The t-shirt, discovered buried deep in storage, is being heralded as a major discovery by lovers of 70's porn.
Daughter Finally Begins Swearing at Age 15 - Columbia Heights, MN
A local couple known for their unnatural ability to insert cuss words into any and all conversations were overjoyed when their 15-year old daughter muttered the word "ass" today. "We were starting to really get concerned," remarked the girl's mother. "We tried bribes, threats and everything in between and we could not get her to swear. Finally, today, her brother was able to pry an 'ass' out of her. We are so proud." The young child passed another milestone today, agreeing to take a sip of wine to see what all the fuss is about. Asked about the wine sampling, the girl's father commented, "I (hic) fuckin' love them guys, they're alright (hic) in my book." He then began weeping and threw up in his slippers.
Unemployed Man Discovers Friends Will Buy at Happy Hour - Minneapolis, MN
A somewhat recently unemployed man has discovered that inviting friends to meet for Happy Hour, then hitting them with story after story of how unemployed he is will cause his friends to not only offer, but insist, on picking up the tab. "It's the greatest ruse ever. I ask someone to meet me for Happy Hour, fill them full of 'woe be me' bullshit for a few hours and they pick up the entire bill! I plan on seeing if I can stretch it into a full meal in the near future." The man, who asked not to be identified so that he wouldn't be exposed, added "Liquor Lyle's is the greatest place to pull this scam. Their Happy Hours are 2-for-1 so the poor sucker(s) I'm with think they are getting a deal."
Local Man Still Able to Disgust Family with Mustache After Seven Days - Columbia Heights, MN
A somewhat recently unemployed man is still able to disgust and embarrass his family with his sorry ass excuse for a mustache after seven days. The man's daughter refuses to be seen in public with him, while the man's wife will not look at him for longer than 10 seconds and threatens to grow her own in retaliation. The man's daughter and wife have also attempted to shame him into shaving with taunts of "pube face", "you look like an extra in Milk" and "my (9th grade) classmates grow a better 'stache in one day". When asked for comment, the man simply said, "If you could get these kind of reactions from them, would you shave?" He then began weeping and vomited in his slippers.