Thursday, June 16, 2011

The Unemployment Chronicles Part 3 or Rock Bottom is Near! (Right?)

Signs (all from today) that I may be approaching the "rock bottom" stage of this unemployment thing:

1.  I laid into Al and Toby immediately this morning, telling them that I was sick of seeing their asses making imprints on my couch and they had to be out of the house by 9:00 and I was not allowing them back in until after 1:00.  When they asked where they should go, the only suggestions I could come up with were "find a job" (pot meet kettle), and "huff paint down by the train tracks".  As soon as they left, I went back to bed to read "just one more chapter" and didn't get up again until 12:00.  Don't tell Al (he won't be my Facebook friend so I don't have to worry about him reading this).

2.  Was told by Audrey that I was "absolutely, under no circumstances" allowed to attend her swimming banquet tonight unless I shaved.  I also had to drop her off at the side door of the school and was told not to worry about picking her up, she would figure something out.

3.  Went to the bank where I was told by a smirking 19-year old teller with a pierced eyebrow that the Menards rebate I was trying to cash actually wasn't a check and that I had to go to Menards where it could be redeemed for merchandise and that this was all explained to me right there on the "check" i was trying to cash.  Thought about arguing but realized she was absolutely correct and I had no case.

4.  Ran my flip flops through the dishwasher because their frequent use as of late has stirred up quite a stank and I didn't know how else to wash them.  And no, I didn't do dishes at the same time.

5.  Was told the following by KT:  "Fine - go to fucking Great Clips if you want - I don't care, but make sure they take care of those mutant eyebrows while they're at it".  Still haven't gotten a haircut or taken care of the mutants.

6.  Went to Walmart.  I could leave it at that, but I'll elaborate.  I went to Walmart, but refused to park there.  So, I parked at Cub and walked to Walmart.  Once there, I debated for no less than 10 minutes whether to buy Gobstoppers or Nerds.  I picked both packages up numerous times, compared the price per ounce, briefly considered mini 100 Grands instead, returned the debate to Gobstoppers vs. Nerds, ended up purchasing neither.  Know what I did purchase?  Pre-packaged "Tuna Medleys" with crackers.  Six of them.  Then, I used the self-checkout because I was embarrassed by what the Walmart cashiers might think of me.

7.  Decided to find out how much worse Super Chill Diet Cola could be than Diet Coke.  Quite a bit, as it turns out.

8.  Gave myself a high five - literally - in Cub when I examined my receipt and realized I had saved $7.98 by using coupons.  

9.  Got home from Cub, realized that the tortillas I bought were moldy, and made Al go return them because I was way too exhausted from all I had done today.

10.  Realized I have been wearing the same Swedish soccer jersey for three days now, but justified it by noting that I only wear it when I leave the house.

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