True story: KT got mad last night (and she still is).
KT doesn’t get mad, like really, actually mad, very often so this is noteworthy. KT was in the kitchen hustling about while Audrey and I were in the other room on the laptop and reading, respectively. Without warning, a bellowing “DAMMIT!” thundered from the kitchen. I was only slightly concerned, as I have become accustomed to the “DAMMIT!”. The “DAMMIT!” happens several times daily, usually following one of the several times each day KT spills her coffee/water/beer/wine (in chronological order). This “DAMMIT!” sounded a little more terse than normal, but I determined I would read my way through it. Audrey had her headphones on so remained unaware of the disturbance.
I had just found my place in my book again when a “MOTHER F***ER!” roared from the kitchen. Now this was more serious. KT isn’t shy about using the “F-word” but there was an edge in her voice that isn’t there often. I needed to investigate. I set my book down and started towards the kitchen. I had not quite gotten there when KT screamed “WHO THE F*** CHEWS GUM?”. Oh no. Oh, please God, no. Not gum. KT will pick up the most disgusting, unrecognizable discharges from our cat - regardless of which end they came out of - sometimes with her bare hands. But not gum. Gum KT will not tolerate. I quickly turned around, hoping she hadn’t seen me approaching. No luck. “PAUL! THERE IS GUM IN THE RUG!!! WHO THE F*** CHEWS GUM?!?!” KT was well aware the answer to this question wasn’t her, me, Carson or the cat. That left Audrey. I tried to protect my youngest, offering “I may have accidentally knocked it out of the garbage can when I was throwing the coffee grounds away. I thought I saw something fall, but I looked around and didn’t see anything.” KT wasn’t buying it. “NO! I taught our kids when they were three years old that you DO NOT throw gum away without wrapping it in a tissue!!”. She stormed into the other room. Audrey was beyond helping now. “AUDREY!! DO YOU CHEW GUM?!?!” Audrey removed her headphones and KT repeated the question/accusation. Audrey, knowing things were not going to end well no matter how she answered, dug in and softly said “sometimes”. KT then filled her in on the crime - “THERE IS GUM IN THE MOTHER F***ING RUG!!!” I, meanwhile, was cowering in the doorway. The only thing scarier than KT mad is KT and Audrey both mad and fighting. I silently begged Audrey to de-escalate the situation, offer a meek apology and go attempt to remove the gum from the mother f***ing rug. No luck. Audrey thought a moment before coolly replying “It wasn’t me.”
Shit. Now it was on. The only thing KT hates worse than gum in the mother f***ing rug is gum in the mother f***ing rug when nobody will take responsibility. After a five minute tirade, which I won’t repeat because I’ve used enough capital letters and it would probably get me banned from Facebook, KT threw her arms in the air let out a final “DAMMIT!!!” and went to tackle the problem. I watched silently from the kitchen stool, knowing from experience to neither offer to help or to try to calm her down. She grabbed an anonymous spray bottle from under the sink and violently soaked the heavily embedded gum. Then she took a spoonful of coconut oil and spread it over the offending party before covering it with a napkin. Thirty seconds later she said “DAMMIT!” and removed the napkin. She then took a large scoop of peanut butter, spread it over the gum and called “Carson!”. Carson came over, gingerly licked the peanut butter up and turned his nose up at the gum before walking away. KT said “MOTHER F***ER! I GIVE UP!!!” and stormed out of the room.
That’s where we left it. To her credit, KT didn’t (and never does) let it ruin her evening. She was able to be her normal, friendly cursing self. But the gum is still there, lurking, waiting for round two. There will not be true peace in our home until the gum situation is solved. On the surface, it may seem like she has moved on but 25 years of experience assures me that she does not move on from unresolved gum issues. The best course of action, (dearest Audrey if you are reading this) is to go to Menards and shell out $7.95 for a new one. You needn’t admit guilt - or even say anything - but the gum situation must be resolved. This may seem wasteful and an unnecessary expense, but is far cheaper than therapy. Because, Kate does not tolerate gum.