The Pressures of a Third Grade Girls Basketball Coach

I sent the following email to my parents in February 2005.  My mom recently forwarded it back to me.  It makes me realize that I truly miss coaching and how wonderful kids are.

A recap of Audrey's last game:

The characters:
Audrey - a small girl who loves the social aspect of sports.  Not very competitive.
Alex - a tall, slightly hyperactive girl whose asthma tends to bother her only when it suits her needs.
Kira - a short, extremely competitive girl who tends to forget to dribble.
Jennifer - a slightly whiny girl prone to "great and serious" injuries.
Sarah - a very nice, slightly out of shape girl who tends to take things a little personally.
Kristi Lynn - a nice girl, perhaps a bit of an Eddie Haskell.
Paul - an exasperated coach enjoying himself all the same because the girls don't act like they know everything already, unlike another (still undefeated) team he coaches.

5:45PM - en route to game
Audrey - "Dad, no matter what, don't start me because I am not ready for that."
Paul - "I'll do what I can Audrey.  Rachel won't be there already, so we are only going to have six players."

6:02PM - the game begins
Paul - "Ok girls, Alex isn't here yet, so you five are starting.  Let's match-up and figure out who we are guarding."
Audrey - "Dad! You said I wouldn't have to start!"
Paul - "No, honey, I said I would see what I could do.  Alex isn't here yet, so I need you to start."
Audrey - "But can't we just start with four?"
Paul - "No, that would give the other team an unfair advantage.  Now, come on, I need you out on the floor."
Audrey scowls and slowly walks out onto the floor.
Jennifer - "My finger hurts."
Paul - "Oh, that's too bad Jennifer.  Here, I want you to guard number 7."
Jennifer (incredulously) - "I still have to play?!?!?"
Paul - "Yes, Jennifer, we only have five players here."
Kira - "Where are Alex and Rachel?"
Paul - "Alex should be here soon and Rachel has religion class.  The game is starting - do you remember who you are guarding?"
Kira - "No."

6:05PM - Alex arrives
Audrey - "Dad, can I come out now?"
Paul - "Audrey, she has to take her coat off and get her shoes on first."
Audrey - "Then can I come out?"

6:06PM
Paul (nudging Alex onto the court) - "Audrey come off now."
Sarah - "Can I come off too?  I'm tired."
Paul - "Let me give Audrey a little rest and then I'll take you out Sarah."
Jennifer - "But I want to sit out too!"
Kristi Lynn - "I'm  not tired, Paul!"
Meanwhile, Kira makes a steal and begins running full speed with the ball, going approximately half the distance of the court before remembering to dribble.
Jennifer - "My ankle hurts."

6:10PM - End of the first quarter
Paul - "Ok, good job girls!  Just remember, when you are on offense you need to move around and try to get open."
Sarah - "We can't, they're guarding us!"
Paul - "That's ok, that's their job.  You need to move around and try to get open."
Jennifer - "What's the point?  They just follow us.  Is Sarah done sitting out now because if she is it's my turn."
Alex - "I love spaghetti!"
Kristi Lynn - "I'm trying to get open, Paul!"
Paul - "Good, Kristi Lynn, just keep trying."
Kira - "Number 4 stuck her tongue out at me!"
Paul - "I'm sorry to hear that, Kira.  Ok, are you girls ready?"
Kristi Lynn - "Yes."
Alex, Audrey, Jennifer, Kira, Sarah - "No."
Kira - "Are we winning?"
Paul - "I don't know, Kira, we don't keep score."
Kira - "We're losing, aren't we?"
Paul - "I don't know Kira.  The game is starting now.  Try to remember to dribble."

6:15PM  Kristi Lynn is sitting out.  Sarah falls down and hurts her knee.  Paul comes out on the court to talk to her.
Paul - "Are you ok, Sarah?  What hurts?"
Sarah (sobbing) - "NO! I fell on my knee!"
Paul (pretends to give knee thorough examination) - "I think you just banged it Sarah.  Do you think you can still play?  I just took Kristi Lynn out and she hasn't had a break yet."
Sarah (sobbing intensifies) - "NOOO!  IT HURTS SOOOO BAD!!!"
Paul - "Kristi Lynn, do you think you can come back in?"
Kristi Lynn - "Yes, I'm trying my best!"
Paul - "That's great, Kristi Lynn.  Sarah, do you want to sit out for a little while?"
Sarah (sobbing abruptly stops as she hops up and runs to the sideline) - "Ok."
Jennifer (suddenly) - "OOOOOOOHHHHH - MY ANKLE!!!"
Paul - "Sorry, Jennifer, I need you to play for a while."
Jennifer (grabbing throat) - "But I'm sooooo thirsty" (choking noise) "I'm going to pass out!"
Paul - "It's almost half-time Jennifer.  You can get a drink then."
Jennifer (scowling) - "But I'm dying!"

6:22PM Half-time
Paul - "Ok girls, good job!  Let's just remember to stay by who you are guarding and move around on offense."
Sarah - "I don't like playing this team.  Can't we just play the team we played last time?"
Jennifer - "Yeah, they push you and the referee doesn't even do anything!"
Kira - "What's the score?  We're losing, aren't we?"
Paul - "You girls don't sound like you're having any fun out there.  Are you?"
(All at once)
Alex - "It's hard to have fun when you have asthma."
Jennifer - "No, they have three people guarding me."
Sarah - "No, because they guard you."
Kira - "No, we're losing."
Audrey - "No, I like practices better."
Kristi Lynn - "I'm having fun, Paul!"
Paul - "Ok girls, let's just go out and try to have some fun this half.  I want to see you all smiling - ok?  Now, Kira hasn't sat out yet, so she will be sitting out to start the half."
Audrey - "But it's my turn!"
Paul - "No, Audrey, Kira hasn't sat out yet.  You're next."
Audrey groans and scowls
Jennifer - "I have to sit out my ankle hurts and I'm soooooo thirsty!"
Paul - "But Jennifer, you're drinking your water bottle right now."
Jennifer - "So?  That doesn't help my ankle."
Sarah - "I forgot - I jammed my finger too.  I don't think I can play."
Jennifer - "I am not playing."
Kira - "I don't need to sit out, I'll play"
Jennifer (smiling for the first time) - "Yay!"
Audrey - "No fair."

6:33PM - Near the end of the third quarter
KT (from the stands) - "Audrey, move around!"
Audrey give KT a "if looks could kill you'd be six feet under" stare.

6:35PM - End of third quarter
Kira - "We're getting our butts kicked!"
Paul - "It doesn't matter, Kira, we're not keeping score."
Sarah, Audrey, Jennifer - "I'm not having fun."
Paul - "Ok girls, just try to get through one more quarter and then next week at practice we'll try to figure out how to make it more fun for you."
Jennifer - "Do we have to?  My elbow hurts."
Alex - "I have asthma - I can't have fun."
Kira - "What's the score?"
Paul - "I want to see some smiles this quarter!"
Paul is met with scowls from all but Kristi Lynn
Kristi Lynn - "I'm having fun and trying my best, Paul!"
Jennifer - "My head hurts soooooo bad!  Can I sit out?"
Paul - "Fine, Jennifer.  Alex, you check in.  Do you see that Jennifer was guarding number 11?"
Alex - "I'm bilingual!  Hola!"
Paul - "That's great, Alex.  Can you please guard number 11?"
Alex - "Si, senor!"
Alex proceeds to guard number 9.
Audrey - "How come Jennifer gets to sit out again?"
Kira - "Are we losing? We're losing, aren't we?"

6:45PM - End of game
Paul - "Good job girls!  Did you have fun?  I didn't see many smiles out there."
Kristi Lynn - "I had fun and I tried my hardest."
Alex - "I wanted to have fun, but it's hard when you have asthma."
Sarah - "I don't like this team.  I only want to play the other one."
Kira - "Paul, I didn't have any fun because we lost.  We lost, didn't we? What was the score?"
Jennifer - "The other team was mean.  They kept hurting me."
Audrey - "Dad, I didn't have any fun because we don't get treats after the game like we do in soccer."
Paul - "Ok girls, I'll tell you what - When we have our next game, I'll bring treats for after the game if you girls promise to try to have fun and smile out there"
All six girls scream deafeningly loud, jump up and down, smile and cheer "YEEEEAAAAAAA!!!!"

The moral of the story?  Bring treats, and lots of them.

Maggie's Halloween Adventure

True story:  11 years ago this Halloween, our lab Maggie went out for her first round of trick-or-treating.  As with all labs, she was, at this age, full of boundless energy and love for people, adventure and food.  Halloween was the perfect storm of all three ingredients; people everywhere, an evening walk to new environments and candy everywhere her nose led her.  At a little over two years of age, her strength was also a force to be reckoned with, particularly to someone not accustomed to it.

On this evening, our friend Chad volunteered to try to harness Maggie as he led the kids door to door.  He pulled valiantly at her leash as she lunged this way and that in an effort to befriend or eat anything she could reach.  Chad wisely kept her down the on the sidewalk as the gaggle of kids ran to each door to collect their just rewards.  After a few houses, however, Maggie determined that the real action was up at the doorsteps with the kids, not stuck back on the sidewalk with Chad.  Refusing to be denied what was obviously the greatest pleasure her mind could envision, she jumped, twisted, pulled and flat out willed her way out of her collar.  Realizing she was free, she bolted before Chad could grab her.

Meanwhile, much to her delight, a kindly elderly neighbor was opening the door for our group of kids to hand out Snickers and other sugary treats.  Maggie interpreted this open door as a grand welcoming gesture and sprinted towards it.  After plowing through the kids assembled on the step, she nearly knocked over the poor lady inside and entered the house.  By now, she was completely overcome with excitement at her good fortune.  She quickly began running laps around her new house, entering the kitchen, living room, hallway and any other place not protected by a closed door.  At one point she even jumped up on the couch to greet the visibly shocked gentleman watching television with kisses.  By this time, Chad had regained his composure enough to realize what was happening and headed to the house to try to contain the chaos that Hurricane Maggie was wreaking.  Seeing Chad rushing towards her, Maggie's game had just moved from "Oh My God, this is so much fun!" to "THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!".  With Chad giving chase, the laps around the stranger's house continued for several more minutes.

Chad was eventually able to dive on top of her and get her back in her leash.  Luckily, and much to the credit of the poor victims of this home invasion, all red-faced apologies were dismissed as unnecessary as they had previously owned a lab and fully understood how such an event could occur.  Chad, on the other hand, decided that Maggie had had enough trick-or-treating for the evening and returned her home to hand out candy with KT and I instead.

Why I Quit Cable

We gave up on cable a little over a year ago and switched to an Apple TV/Netflix combo which has suited us quite well.  However, we received an advertisement in the mail yesterday from Comcast claiming that we could add a DVR and 140 channels for only $10.00 more a month (we still get our internet through Comcast).  The only thing I truly missed about not having cable was being able to watch Gopher football and basketball games from the comfort of my own home.  To me, this would be worth the extra cost.  So, I decided to investigate.  The following is a transcript of my "live chat" with Comcast today:

Chris: Hi, what questions can I answer about upgrading your service or adding a new line of service?

You: I am currently paying $79.95 for internet only. Am I reading your current deals correctly that I can add 140 cable channels, get a HD box and DVR for only $10 more a month via the xfinity double play?

Chris: I'd be happy to provide you the information regarding on your concern. To better assist you I would like to ask a few questions.

Chris: Thank you for being a Comcast customer! What services do you currently have with us?

You: internet

Chris: Prices and plans vary by location, however we can definitely take a look at the available offers in your area. May I please have your complete address and zip code?

You: (I gave my address)

Chris: Thank you for providing your complete address. Please hold on as I check the address that you provided.

Chris: I apologize, I am still looking at your address.

Chris: Thank you for waiting. I apologize, however the package that you are looking to have is already expired. Just to clarify, do you want to keep your current Internet Service?

You: yes i want to keep my internet. the package i am looking at says it expires on 9/22/14

You: it is called the starter xf double play

Chris: I apologize, however it is expired on last June. To recommend the best TV package, may I ask what particular channels are you looking to have?

Chris: How are things coming along?

You: this is copied from your website: Offer ends 9/22/14 and is limited to new residential customers. Not available in all areas. Requires subscription to Digital Starter TV and Blast!® Internet service. (I copied all the legalese here but blah, blah, blah)

You: I don't think we are looking at the same package, as this one clearly states the expiration date is 9/22/14

Chris: Please hold on as I get the information for you.

Chris: Thank you for waiting. Yes, you are right. The plan that you have selected is really fantastic! To make sure it meets all of your entertainment needs, what types of things do you do online?

You: Where can I see what television channelss are included with this package?

Chris: How are things coming along?

You:  Where can I see what television channels are included with this package?

Chris: Are you still with me?

You: Yes, I have asked twice, and now a third time: Where can I see what television channels are included with this package?

You: are you still with me, chris?

Chris: I haven’t heard from you in a while. Would you like to continue to chat?

You: maybe if i speak louder :WHERE CAN I FIND WHAT CHANNELS ARE INCLUDED IN THIS PACKAGE??? Chris: I would be happy to assist you today, however I'm afraid that if I don't hear from you I will not be able to stay and keep this chat open. You: Chris, are you in a tunnel? Is your internet connection bad? Do you use Comcast for your internet connection? Chris: Thank you for visiting Comcast today. I hope you'll come visit us again soon. Chris: Have a great day.

Now I remember one of the reasons we dropped cable.  I'll be at the bar watching the Gophers on Saturday if anyone wants to join.

.

My Outfit Today

My outfit today:

Tennis shoes, non-visible socks
Tan cargo shorts, six pockets (per Middle Age Man handbook, article IV, section XIII)
Blue and white checked button down short-sleeved shirt

Number of comments I have received in the vein of "how dressed up I am today": nearing 10

Conclusion:  My normal choice of clothing lies somewhere between extremely hungover college student and recently homeless

Catnapping

A week or so ago flyers were posted all around the neighborhood about a missing cat, "Darwin". This evening on our walk, Kate and I found him. He was in a small wooded area and looked a little beat up, but in pretty good shape. We gently called out his name and crouched down, trying not to spook him. He meowed a few times and then warily approached us. Kate scooped him up and we start beelining the five blocks to home so we could call the number on the flyer and then steadfastly refuse the award because that is how awesome we are. After about half a block, Darwin began to protest being carried, but Kate held tight. After a block, Darwin brought out the claws, forcing Kate to put him down. Undaunted, we rushed home to call the owners and at least let them know where to find their beloved pet. Upon reaching the flyer, phone in hand, we examined the photo and came to the abrupt realization that the cat we were rescuing was definitely not Darwin and we were guilty of attempted catnapping. So, sorry about that.

Dad Pants

Urgent Public Service Announcement: When attending a college orientation with your child, the following is the required dress code for males:

1. Golf shirt. Acceptable colors include beige, ecru, cream, mushroom, tan, off-white, light brown, sand, neutral, black or oatmeal. Lowest neck button should be buttoned. If you possess neck hair, it should be proudly pube-ing out from beneath an undershirt.

2. Shorts. These are acceptable in only tan or blue. They must possess no fewer than six visible pockets. The shorts must end no more than one inch above or below the middle of the knee cap.

3. Ankle or "No See Um" socks. These can be visible, but someone is really going to have to make an effort to spot them.

4. Tennis shoes. Brand is not important, but style is. They must look like you could easily break into an extended jog, but you are just choosing not to. They should be basic in color (never white) and are allowed to have one small amount of colorful flair (i.e. the middle adidas stripe can be brightly colored).

Karma is...

This morning while pedaling to work, I spotted a women's wallet laying in the street just under a car.  At first I kept going, the "none of my business" mantra ringing in my ears.  Soon, however, Lutheran guilt took over and I circled back, picked it up and opened it.  It was the mother lode - debit cards, credit cards, a fistful of cash and a driver's license.  I looked at the license - it was for a woman in her 30's who (certainly not coincidentally) lived right by where I found it.  I shut the wallet, walked my bike up to the door and began knocking (it was before 7:00).  After repeated knockings and doorbell ringings, nobody answered.  So, I wrote a brief note saying "Found this in the street Monday morning at about 7:00.  I tried knocking, but didn't get an answer.  Hope this finds you safely.  Have a nice day."  I then wrapped the note around the wallet and placed it between the screen door and front door and biked off.

My immediate payback came in the form of getting caught in the rain on my way to work.  Ironically, had I not stopped and tried to return the wallet, I would have most likely made it to work before the rain began.  Thanks, karma.