Maggie's Halloween Adventure

True story:  11 years ago this Halloween, our lab Maggie went out for her first round of trick-or-treating.  As with all labs, she was, at this age, full of boundless energy and love for people, adventure and food.  Halloween was the perfect storm of all three ingredients; people everywhere, an evening walk to new environments and candy everywhere her nose led her.  At a little over two years of age, her strength was also a force to be reckoned with, particularly to someone not accustomed to it.

On this evening, our friend Chad volunteered to try to harness Maggie as he led the kids door to door.  He pulled valiantly at her leash as she lunged this way and that in an effort to befriend or eat anything she could reach.  Chad wisely kept her down the on the sidewalk as the gaggle of kids ran to each door to collect their just rewards.  After a few houses, however, Maggie determined that the real action was up at the doorsteps with the kids, not stuck back on the sidewalk with Chad.  Refusing to be denied what was obviously the greatest pleasure her mind could envision, she jumped, twisted, pulled and flat out willed her way out of her collar.  Realizing she was free, she bolted before Chad could grab her.

Meanwhile, much to her delight, a kindly elderly neighbor was opening the door for our group of kids to hand out Snickers and other sugary treats.  Maggie interpreted this open door as a grand welcoming gesture and sprinted towards it.  After plowing through the kids assembled on the step, she nearly knocked over the poor lady inside and entered the house.  By now, she was completely overcome with excitement at her good fortune.  She quickly began running laps around her new house, entering the kitchen, living room, hallway and any other place not protected by a closed door.  At one point she even jumped up on the couch to greet the visibly shocked gentleman watching television with kisses.  By this time, Chad had regained his composure enough to realize what was happening and headed to the house to try to contain the chaos that Hurricane Maggie was wreaking.  Seeing Chad rushing towards her, Maggie's game had just moved from "Oh My God, this is so much fun!" to "THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!".  With Chad giving chase, the laps around the stranger's house continued for several more minutes.

Chad was eventually able to dive on top of her and get her back in her leash.  Luckily, and much to the credit of the poor victims of this home invasion, all red-faced apologies were dismissed as unnecessary as they had previously owned a lab and fully understood how such an event could occur.  Chad, on the other hand, decided that Maggie had had enough trick-or-treating for the evening and returned her home to hand out candy with KT and I instead.

Why I Quit Cable

We gave up on cable a little over a year ago and switched to an Apple TV/Netflix combo which has suited us quite well.  However, we received an advertisement in the mail yesterday from Comcast claiming that we could add a DVR and 140 channels for only $10.00 more a month (we still get our internet through Comcast).  The only thing I truly missed about not having cable was being able to watch Gopher football and basketball games from the comfort of my own home.  To me, this would be worth the extra cost.  So, I decided to investigate.  The following is a transcript of my "live chat" with Comcast today:

Chris: Hi, what questions can I answer about upgrading your service or adding a new line of service?

You: I am currently paying $79.95 for internet only. Am I reading your current deals correctly that I can add 140 cable channels, get a HD box and DVR for only $10 more a month via the xfinity double play?

Chris: I'd be happy to provide you the information regarding on your concern. To better assist you I would like to ask a few questions.

Chris: Thank you for being a Comcast customer! What services do you currently have with us?

You: internet

Chris: Prices and plans vary by location, however we can definitely take a look at the available offers in your area. May I please have your complete address and zip code?

You: (I gave my address)

Chris: Thank you for providing your complete address. Please hold on as I check the address that you provided.

Chris: I apologize, I am still looking at your address.

Chris: Thank you for waiting. I apologize, however the package that you are looking to have is already expired. Just to clarify, do you want to keep your current Internet Service?

You: yes i want to keep my internet. the package i am looking at says it expires on 9/22/14

You: it is called the starter xf double play

Chris: I apologize, however it is expired on last June. To recommend the best TV package, may I ask what particular channels are you looking to have?

Chris: How are things coming along?

You: this is copied from your website: Offer ends 9/22/14 and is limited to new residential customers. Not available in all areas. Requires subscription to Digital Starter TV and Blast!® Internet service. (I copied all the legalese here but blah, blah, blah)

You: I don't think we are looking at the same package, as this one clearly states the expiration date is 9/22/14

Chris: Please hold on as I get the information for you.

Chris: Thank you for waiting. Yes, you are right. The plan that you have selected is really fantastic! To make sure it meets all of your entertainment needs, what types of things do you do online?

You: Where can I see what television channelss are included with this package?

Chris: How are things coming along?

You:  Where can I see what television channels are included with this package?

Chris: Are you still with me?

You: Yes, I have asked twice, and now a third time: Where can I see what television channels are included with this package?

You: are you still with me, chris?

Chris: I haven’t heard from you in a while. Would you like to continue to chat?

You: maybe if i speak louder :WHERE CAN I FIND WHAT CHANNELS ARE INCLUDED IN THIS PACKAGE??? Chris: I would be happy to assist you today, however I'm afraid that if I don't hear from you I will not be able to stay and keep this chat open. You: Chris, are you in a tunnel? Is your internet connection bad? Do you use Comcast for your internet connection? Chris: Thank you for visiting Comcast today. I hope you'll come visit us again soon. Chris: Have a great day.

Now I remember one of the reasons we dropped cable.  I'll be at the bar watching the Gophers on Saturday if anyone wants to join.

.

My Outfit Today

My outfit today:

Tennis shoes, non-visible socks
Tan cargo shorts, six pockets (per Middle Age Man handbook, article IV, section XIII)
Blue and white checked button down short-sleeved shirt

Number of comments I have received in the vein of "how dressed up I am today": nearing 10

Conclusion:  My normal choice of clothing lies somewhere between extremely hungover college student and recently homeless

Catnapping

A week or so ago flyers were posted all around the neighborhood about a missing cat, "Darwin". This evening on our walk, Kate and I found him. He was in a small wooded area and looked a little beat up, but in pretty good shape. We gently called out his name and crouched down, trying not to spook him. He meowed a few times and then warily approached us. Kate scooped him up and we start beelining the five blocks to home so we could call the number on the flyer and then steadfastly refuse the award because that is how awesome we are. After about half a block, Darwin began to protest being carried, but Kate held tight. After a block, Darwin brought out the claws, forcing Kate to put him down. Undaunted, we rushed home to call the owners and at least let them know where to find their beloved pet. Upon reaching the flyer, phone in hand, we examined the photo and came to the abrupt realization that the cat we were rescuing was definitely not Darwin and we were guilty of attempted catnapping. So, sorry about that.

Dad Pants

Urgent Public Service Announcement: When attending a college orientation with your child, the following is the required dress code for males:

1. Golf shirt. Acceptable colors include beige, ecru, cream, mushroom, tan, off-white, light brown, sand, neutral, black or oatmeal. Lowest neck button should be buttoned. If you possess neck hair, it should be proudly pube-ing out from beneath an undershirt.

2. Shorts. These are acceptable in only tan or blue. They must possess no fewer than six visible pockets. The shorts must end no more than one inch above or below the middle of the knee cap.

3. Ankle or "No See Um" socks. These can be visible, but someone is really going to have to make an effort to spot them.

4. Tennis shoes. Brand is not important, but style is. They must look like you could easily break into an extended jog, but you are just choosing not to. They should be basic in color (never white) and are allowed to have one small amount of colorful flair (i.e. the middle adidas stripe can be brightly colored).

Karma is...

This morning while pedaling to work, I spotted a women's wallet laying in the street just under a car.  At first I kept going, the "none of my business" mantra ringing in my ears.  Soon, however, Lutheran guilt took over and I circled back, picked it up and opened it.  It was the mother lode - debit cards, credit cards, a fistful of cash and a driver's license.  I looked at the license - it was for a woman in her 30's who (certainly not coincidentally) lived right by where I found it.  I shut the wallet, walked my bike up to the door and began knocking (it was before 7:00).  After repeated knockings and doorbell ringings, nobody answered.  So, I wrote a brief note saying "Found this in the street Monday morning at about 7:00.  I tried knocking, but didn't get an answer.  Hope this finds you safely.  Have a nice day."  I then wrapped the note around the wallet and placed it between the screen door and front door and biked off.

My immediate payback came in the form of getting caught in the rain on my way to work.  Ironically, had I not stopped and tried to return the wallet, I would have most likely made it to work before the rain began.  Thanks, karma.

Feet

My feet hate me.

My feet have always been abnormally flat.  I am the poster child for flat feet draft deferment.  When I was a child, my cousins and other various relatives would plead with me to get my feet wet and walk on the pavement so they could marvel and laugh hysterically at the shape of my footprint.  I have, as KT termed it, an "Anti-Arch".  My feet actually bow very slightly outward where an arch should be.  To this day, people who have known me since I was young will occasionally ask me to remove my shoes and socks so they can see the freak show.

A few years back my left foot decided to up the game.  While doing some very mild hiking in non-appropriate footwear (KT has since made the wearing of Chuck Taylors verboten), I felt a twinge in my foot.  It wasn't painful, really, but just felt kind of strange.  Within two days, it was nearly impossible to walk.  I was eventually diagnosed with a stress fracture right at the point where an arch should have been.  Crutches and a walking boot ruled my life for the four six (first follow up appointment showed my feet to heal abnormally slow) weeks.  Fortunately, the pain subsided after the first week and they gave me enough pharmaceutical help to get through it.  The icing on the cake was when my doctor informed me that I have arthritis in my feet, which explained their perpetual soreness.

The latest fun thing my feet are experimenting with is gout.  Also known as gouty arthritis, podagra or the "disease of kings", gout is the build up of uric acid - never mind, just google it.  I have had it now two, possibly three (rethinking an instance way back when my foot gave me a particularly bothersome stretch) times.  It is insanely painful.  It is perhaps best personified in the artist James Gillray's 1799 caricature (thanks Wikipedia!):

I had to shelter my foot last night to ensure the blanket would not touch it and send me writhing in pain.  The pain is ridiculous enough, but the best part about gout is the whole "insult to injury" thing.  There isn't a lot of sympathy for gout.  It's thought to afflict only those whose diet consists of (1) red meat and (2) alcohol.  I may be guilty of one of those, but not both (feel free to judge which one).  The last time I was afflicted, the reactions ranged from irrepressible laughter (KT) to "Jesus, throw in a salad!" (my brother).  The silver lining is it only lasts a few days and when it lifts it feels like when you finally start to feel normal from the world's worst hangover.  I lay in bed as I write this -  my foot propped up and a three foot (no pun intended) "do not enter" radius surrounding it - anxiously waiting for that sweet, glorious relief.

I'm excited to see what step (the puns are just too easy) my feet decide to take next.  I imagine it's going to involve some sort of flesh-eating bacteria.  KT and I have been fretting over our future, when my feet decide to give out entirely.  I am far too large and she is far too small for her to be carrying me around.  So far the only thing we can come up with is sister-wives and we don't feel like moving.