Saturday, January 12, 2013

Old Dog Commits a Crime: A Six Chapter Picture Book

Maggie was born one week after 9/11.  She has been with us since October of 2001.  Like any lab, Maggie was a master thief when she was younger.  Turn your head for two seconds and the sandwich you just made and set down was gone.  She never, ever, missed an opportunity to commit larceny.  After all, she knew how to charm the jury and always got off with no more than a public shaming and two minute time out.  Maggie is much, much older now.  Her reflexes aren't quite as quick, but she still absolutely knows how to commit the crime.  Security cameras caught her in the act this morning.

Chapter One:

Suspect contemplates last remaining käramel roll (pretzel dough, caramel, salt, as good as it sounds) on the table.  Suspect notes käramel roll has been unattended for a period of more than 5 minutes.  Author's note: Anyone judging the fact that we ate käramel rolls for breakfast, the giant mounds of Lady Kenmore behind Maggie or the fact that we spent the morning watching The Inbetweeners is just jealous.  Suspect notices KT, Paul and Audrey engrossed in television and not focusing on käramel roll.  Suspect thinks käramel roll smells delicious.

Chapter Two:

Suspect, keeping one ear open to approaching authorities, approaches target.  Suspect confirms it definitely is a käramel roll and that there is definitely nobody watching.  Author's note:  I never claimed she was bright, only that she was a master thief.  Suspect decides this käramel roll must get in her belly.

Chapter 3:

Suspect makes her move.  In one swift twitch of her tongue, käramel roll is consumed.  Suspect becomes aware that perhaps she may have been noticed when she hears protestations to her actions, but can't quite confirm it yet as nobody has actually moved.

Chapter 4:

Suspect now is sure she has been spotted as someone definitely said, "what do you think you're doing, assface?" Author's note:  It's a term of endearment coined by KT and adopted by all.  Suspect decides that absolutely zero fucks will be given and she will finish the job anyhow.

Chapter Five:

Suspect, now apprehended, is really, really sorry and promises she will never, ever, ever do something like that again.  She claims temporary insanity caused by old age.  Jury buys her story yet again and suspect is released to her own recognizance.

Chapter Six:

Suspect, clearly struggling with a guilty conscience, shortly suffers major sugar hangover, and spends the next several hours struggling to ease her tortured soul.

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