Sunday, August 14, 2011

Middle Age Man Syndrome - The Single Life

KT and Audrey went to Bismarck on Thursday for a long weekend. With Al out of the house now, this meant four beautiful, glorious days of the bachelor life. No taxi duty, the remotes are mine, no schedules to vibe with. Typically, this would mean four days of bar hopping, going to bands, eating shitty food and being a general jackass. I had visions of bike rides, Pizza Luce Block Party and whatever else I could cram around my work schedule. Below is a chronology of how my time went:


4:00PM - Got home from work, but not before picking up two (2!) snack size bags of Old Dutch Dill Pickle potato chips (best chip ever unless they start making the ketchup chips again) and a two liter or (diet) 7-up. Let the party begin. Poured myself a whiskey/7, cracked open a bag of chips and grabbed the remote. Free to watch whatever I chose, I dove into House Hunters International on HGTV. If that isn't evidence enough to turn in my man card, consider this - I had several episodes backlogged that I had DVR'd. After three episodes, realized I had a terrible stomach ache. Played a game of FIFA while waiting for my stomach to settle so I could have another drink.

6:30PM - Stomach still not settled, I took a shower, swigged some Pepto and laid down to read.

7:15PM - Woke up when iPad I was reading my book on slipped from my hands and smacked into my nose. Pain in nose made me temporarily forget that my stomach was a gurgling burbling mess. Decided to give up the fight and rest up for the hijinx I would partake in Friday. Apologized to the dog for being so boring, promised I would make it up to her tomorrow.


3:28AM - woke up, two minutes before my alarm went off. Came to the realization that for all my bravado about sleeping better alone, it simply isn't true. Paranoid about oversleeping my alarm, I woke at 11:13, 12:45, 1:23, 1:49 and 2:12, although I'm not sure if the 1:49 time counts because I don't know if I actually fell back asleep. I am confident of the accuracy of these times as I picked up my phone to check each time I woke, sure I had overslept.

4:15AM - Arrived at work to learn that because of various illnesses I would be working alone for the first time. No problem, I was confident I was ready. A quick shift at work and I would be home early afternoon to begin the bachelor life in earnest.

4:30AM - Was chastised by crabby old lady manager at my first stop for moving too slowly. I apologized and explained I was new to the route and the job. She replied, "I'm too busy to sit around waiting for you". Considered mentioning that there was nobody else in the store (a Holiday) and she had been standing glassy-eyed behind the counter, not moving in the slightest, the entire time I had been there. Decided against it.

4:45PM - Neglected to consider the simple mathematical formula that two people work faster than one. Was disappointed to just be leaving work at a time I expected to be at a Happy Hour somewhere. Raced home, showered, and went to feed the dog before beginning my evening. Realized we were out of dog food. Cursed, several times, and headed to Walmart. Had any and all remaining energy sapped from me by the Walmart black hole.

6:30PM - Thought about having a drink, remembered stomachache of previous night and decided against it. Ate a salad and a turkey sandwich while watching Hallo Bundesliga. Became enraged when I realized Al had stolen my second bag of Dill Pickle chips when he was home earlier to let the dog out. Sent him a menacing threatening text. His reply (he blamed a friend) 20 minutes later woke me up. Apologized to the dog again and went to bed knowing that at least Saturday was a short work day and I could bike down to the Pizza Luce Block Party when I got home.


3:27 - Up three minutes before alarm time today after another horrible night of (not) sleep. Asked Old Lady Maggie to go out and take a leak before I left. She took one step outside, realized it was raining and hightailed back inside to bed. I briefly considered doing the same before the Lutheran guilt made me realize that was impossible.

12:30PM - One mile away from my last stop of the day, ecstatic that I'm going to be home by 1:30. Twinkie wagon begins smoking furiously from under the hood. Soon entire interior of truck is filled with so much smoke that I can't see. Freak out a bit because I think Twinkies may be highly combustible. Pull into a parking lot and call dispatch who connects me to a mechanic. Mechanic tells me to pop the hood and tell him what I see. This is similar to asking KT to diagram the triangle offense. After several moments I notice a belt broken which has somehow destroyed the alternator (I still don't quite get it). Mechanic tells me the truck is done, he will call a wrecker and call me back.

1:30PM - Mechanic calls me back and tells me a tow truck will be there "within an hour".

3:45PM - Tow truck arrives. Driver fits every stereotype imaginable (cut off sleeves, bad tattoos, giant wad of tobacco, answers my "How's it going?" greeting with "It's goin'"). We proceed to ride the entire 45 minute trip back to the depot without saying another word (I'm actually quite grateful for this). He does, however, pick up his clipboard and use it to violently scratch his back about every five minutes.

5:30PM - Exhausted, but finally home, I decide to blow off the block party even though my twitter feed is filled with people saying it's the greatest thing ever. Full of pity, I buy a twelve pack and some chicken wings and decide to get drunk and watch the Vikings.

7:00PM - Kick-off, I'm well into my second beer, my belly is full and I'm feeling pretty upbeat.

7:45PM - I wake up. Dazed, but not beaten, I figure the nap will give me the kick of energy I need to stay up late and get my buzz on. I get up, crack open third beer and rewind the game to where I figure I must of drifted off.

8:30PM - I wake up. Third beer is sitting on the end table, untouched. I give it up and decide to go to bed and read.

9:00PM - iPad falls backward this time, waking me as it slaps against my stomach. I call it a night and decide to sleep in tomorrow for my day off.


5:00AM - Wide awake. I refuse to give in, however, and decide I won't get out of bed until 8:00

5:30AM - Give up. Head to Cub for a newspaper and orange juice. Inwardly throw a tantrum because it's too early to get the NY Times Sunday paper and I have to settle for the Strib.

6:00AM - Seriously consider going out to mow the lawn before deciding against it. Do some laundry and a quick cleaning of the house instead. Decide to vacuum the shag carpeting in the kitchen.

6:15AM - Realize we don't have shag carpeting in the kitchen but that the dog seems to be molting.

8:00AM - House tidied, breakfast made and eaten, I decide to start on the lawn so that I'll have the rest of the day to play. Realize I have to pick up dog crap first since I don't have a child at home to pawn it off on. Am amazed by the quantity my dog can shit in one weeks time and wonder if it is due to a bionic digestive track or a slightly less than stellar job performance that my child may have done when I asked him/her (her) to do it last.

8:30AM - determine the lawn is still too wet to mow, go inside to play a game of FIFA. Realize that somehow a bee has made it's way inside my shirt. Remember vow to never kill bees because I read somewhere that they are disappearing and we will all die if they go away. Try to coax bee out of my shirt and am rewarded with a sting to my stomach.

11:00AM - Audibly cuss at the FIFA game (yes, I had been playing for over two hours) for not calling a trip in the penalty box in the 90th minute of a nil-nil game. Realize it is the first time I have exercised my vocal cords in 20 hours. Start talking to the dog to make sure I remember how.

12:00PM - Mow the lawn. Applaud myself for not running over any of the hundreds of toads that have decided to breed in our backyard this summer. Try to mow the front yard in a cool looking diamond pattern. Realize I was never very good at art or geometry. Front yard ends up looking like a three year olds self-given haircut.

2:00PM - Have a beer to celebrate finishing my chores and to kick start the free-wheeling bachelor day ahead.

3:30PM - Wake up. Throw in the towel and decide to watch a Netflix stream. Throw a tantrum and cancel Netflix subscription when stream won't work. Watch DVR'd match between Bayer Leverkusen and Werder Bremen instead. Realize this has been the highlight of my single guy weekend.

6:00PM - Shower. Eat a cheese tortilla. Drink a beer and write this blog. Realize I really miss having KT and the kids around.

Now - Time to go to bed and read. Remember to wear protective padding in anticipation of inevitable iPad collapse.

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